Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Ballad of Fuck Off and the broken glasses.

Once upon a time, there was a woman.
She was a married woman, and with her husband they had three charming children.
One day, it was a Saturday, the woman was in the bathroom brushing her hair.
Her husband rushed in, a twinkle in his blue eyes. He spun her around, picked her up
and placed her on the bathroom bench in order to give her a deeply romantic and loving kiss.
The woman felt something beneath her and heard a 'SNAP'!
The husband placed his hand beneath her and pulled out her hairbrush, which was unharmed.
The woman feeling foolish, smiled sheepishly at her husband and kissed him again.
He lifted her off the counter and she went back to doing her hair.
She reached her hand out to grab her glasses and place them on her face....
OH NO! That snap she had heard? It was her glasses!!
She showed her husband the broken glasses and he asked "What did you break them for?"
She gave him that look, you know the one that makes the Julie Bishop death stare look like a love struck Pepe Le Pew.
They rounded up their three charming children, they were going to the optometrist.  On the way there, the husband regaled the children with the story of how the glasses were broken. The woman reminded him that had he not sat her on the bathroom counter, the glasses would not be broken, to which the husband kept replying, "Did you or did you not sit in your glasses? If you didn't sit on your glasses who did?"
When the woman told him to Fuck Off, he decided that must be the new name she wished to be called. Because if Fuck Off sat on the glasses, and she sat on the glasses, then that meant that she was Fuck Off.
(Yes Saturday, it was a long day. )
At the Optometrist, there was no technician working that day. And even if there was, nothing could save the woman's glasses. They were beyond hope.  Without her sight giving glasses, there is only so much the woman's eyes can take before she cannot see anything but a blur.
She would have to wait to Monday for an appointment. And would probably have to wait a week for the  new glasses to be ready.  Which has bummed the woman right out because she has much reading, internet faffery and a football game to watch.  I mean, who goes to a Monday Football game she cannot watch because she cannot see????  I'll tell you who, FUCK OFF does!

1 comment:

  1. If it helps (which it won't) a friend of mine in remarkably similar circumstances sat on a tube of toothpaste and got it all over her clothes, and in another, more awful and naked-er event, sat on a razor and slashed her bottom and upper thighs rather badly. In the heat of the moment she didn't realise until afterwards.